Okay, so today we're looking at a trilogy of Christian self-help style memoirs by Alexandra Kuykendall, plus a bonus, unrelated memoir about her unique upbringing!
Starting with the ... what do we call these... the "Loving My... " series? (not sure if the set has an official, collective name)
#1 Loving My Actual Life: An Experiment in Relishing What's Right In Front of Me
★★★1/2
Author Alexandra Kuykendall is a writer who has also spent nearly a decade working for MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) International. In her newest book, a memoir of sorts, she relates the things she learned about her family and herself while carrying out a life experiment in which she spent 9 months making more of an effort to love the life she has rather than the pie-in-the-sky ideal she thought she wanted and was missing out on. As a mother of four -- the youngest 3 years old, the oldest entering middle grade -- with an insane daily schedule, she realized she was burning through her days on exhausted autopilot, or as she says, "I was operating on perma-exhaustion."
We are facing days of incredible speed and desiring something different because this pace just doesn't feel right. We know with certainty that we must be made for more than merely tolerating our circumstances; we want to know how to thrive within them. Especially if we don't have a lot of opportunity to change the major things. We want to love this life today.
Kuykendall began to notice that her children seemed to be growing up at a crazy fast rate and she felt like she was missing so much because she was so focused just on making the daily scheduling work. She also realized that her relationships with her husband and close friends and family were showing signs of neglect. Not wanting to look back on these years with regret, she decided to implement a plan. For the next 9 months, she would bring back the joy into her life that she thought she had lost, each month focusing on one specific area that needed attention: focusing on good health & sleep, finding dedicated "me time", decluttering her mind and posessions, reigniting the marital spark, etc. {Kuykendall says she chose a 9 month time frame because that seems like a natural block of time when you're a mom -- time it takes to grow a baby, length of a school year}.
Kuykendall then dedicates herself to connecting with people more personally, calling or visiting in person rather than falling back on quick but more impersonal text or email. She forces herself to back away from what she calls "virtual noise", basically all social media. She cuts back on television, Netflix, Facebook, Instagram, even Youtube; her reasoning being that today's culture is too easily tempted into distraction and procrastination because of media addiction, being so focused on trying to make every moment Insta-worthy that we miss out on the actual moment. She admits that where she used to be annoyed by all the constant noise in her house, she had to retrain herself to actually cherish the noise because you cherish those who are making the noise, and there will likely come a day when those loved ones won't be so easily accessible.
Alexandra, in her experimentation, makes a point during these 9 months to try her darnedest to start each day in an intentionally peaceful way, waking before the rest of the house does, taking in the silence and using it to guide her morning meditations. She learns to meal prep the night before to cut that stress from the next day. She switches out deep house cleans for an easier tidy-as-you-go-throughout-the-day method as well as diving into purging of extraneous material possessions which in turn helps clear her mind of emotional clutter & stress.
On the personal health front, she pushes herself to make doctor's appointments that she would normally find reasons to put off, in part spurred by the loss of more than one friend to fatal illnesses. At first, the mom guilt kicks in -- that "how dare I worry about me when my kid needs ___" -- but then it dawns on her that in a way, she's actually doing her kids a favor. Not only is she making sure she's healthy, ensuring she'll be there for them for a long time to come, but her actions also subtlety teach them the importance of showing care & respect for their own bodies. She also embraces the practice of making an effort wardrobe-wise even on casual days. Even if it's just a stay at home kind of day, she makes herself choose a cute shirt or put on light makeup and a few jewelry pieces because she realizes it does boost her overall self-esteem and mood for the rest of the day.
During other months, she learns to not focus on the drudgery of housework and instead think of chores as more of a fun event (ie. take dinner outside one night, make it al fresco! Just because!) -- find little ways to make games out of it or reward yourself. Missing the adventure side of her once globetrotter self, she also tries to make the most of staycations, trying new-to-her cuisine, visiting tourist attractions she would normally scoff at, doing things that make her face certain fears of hers. I liked how throughout this entire book, Kuykendall was always honest about how successful each stage of the experiment turned out to be. She doesn't shy away from admitting when old habits would start to creep back in despite her best intentions. Rather than give up, she writes of what she's learning from the experience in that moment. She encourages readers wanting to try this sort of thing to basically expect the unexpected. That no matter how bad you try to keep it out, life will throw wrenches into your best-laid plans, so your best bet is to strive for just more peace, rather than perfection.
In the final month chapter of the book, Kuykendall mentions interviewing author Shauna Niequist. Niequist talks of how people get so caught up in what their entire life purpose might be, but she prefers to focus on what she's called to do for the current year instead. She also points out that if readers feel a year is still too overwhelming a time frame, they can narrow it down to focus on just a month to month time frame. I really liked this idea! Because it can get disheartening sometimes when you get locked into that "what am I even doing with my life?!" line of thinking.... but if you open it up to just a month or year at a time, it does seem less scary and more open to attainable possibilities.
The overall layout of this book has a journal-memoir feel to it, but Kuykendall also has it set up to where it can double as a kind of devotional for readers, what with the "Questions For Reflection" at the end of each chapter as well as bible passages she found relevant to how she was feeling during particular points in the project. She also offers bulletpoints of what she tried at the start of each month and what she feels she can continue to incorporate into her life at the each month's end. This gives a helpful guideline for any readers wanting to try a similar experiment in their own households.
I really enjoyed the candor and humor within Kuykendall's writing. I cracked up whenever she described a moment of doing some sort of preplanning, organizing or meal prep the night before but then forgetting that it was done the next day, then coming home to find a chore done and feeling as if magical stress-reliving fairies came in and blessed her day... til she remembered, "oh wait, that was me, I did that!" As far as the topic, I feel this book with best resonate with busy mothers, but even as someone who runs a childless home, I still found ideas that I can incorporate into my lifestyle as well.
I was hoping for more stories of her trying things out of her comfort zone though. It did feel like much of what she writes here mostly focuses around learning how to better carry out meal prep, "me time", dedicated family time... more organizational type ideas rather than adventurous experiences. Then again, when I thought about it, the book IS called Loving MY Actual Life, so she did stick to that idea, I guess. She wrote about what made HER actual day to day life more fulfilling.
And if you're wondering about the choice of cover art on this book, a quote from the closing chapter may help explain it:
More and more I'm recognizing life to be a series of small decisions that push in a certain direction. One small decision after another. Like a string of lights, one small light at a time makes an impact.
#2 Loving My Actual Christmas: An Experiment in Relishing the Season
★★★★☆
It all started with Alexandra Kuykendall's previous release, Loving My Actual Life, in which for an entire year she challenged herself to slow down a bit and take in the actual life she was living rather than the one she was obsessively trying to achieve through insane schedules, a go-go-go lifestyle and maybe a touch of subconsciously trying to compete with friends and neighbors for a mythical "best life" award. Using the format of that experiment, Kuykendall challenges herself once again, this time tackling the seemingly inevitable stress that comes with each year's impending holiday season -- the days packed with endless holiday festivities, the decorating, the blown out holiday budget that depresses her come January. She explains that her inspiration this time around was the realization that she did not want her daughters to grow up and have their dominant holiday memories be of stressed out, edgy and resentful parents. Instead, she wanted to put the need for perfection aside and just try to be present and authentically capture the true magic of Christmas for her girls. This year, Kuykendall wants to put the focus back on true family togetherness, charity, kindness, all those warm fuzzy emotions we ALL desperately need a good dose of right about now.
Can I do this? Create an experiment where I'm able to savor the season in front of me without ending up overwhelmed and bitter? Where I avoid needing a detox from the fa-la-la-la and the mistletoe? It is worth the try. Because hope, peace, joy, and love are certainly words I want to associate with this time of year. Rather than overspending, overeating, undersleeping and underrejoicing, I want to notice the goodness God has offered in the here and now. In this year. This Christmas. Regardless of the circumstances. Because I don't want to resent this actual Christmas. I want to love it.
It's a tough year for Kuykendall, as it's the year her stepfather passed away, a man she had come to rely on as a loving, reliable male figure in her life (for more on the difficult relationship Kuykendall has with her birth father, check out her memoir, The Artist's Daughter). Hard as it will be to tackle a season of family gatherings without this important man there for her, Kuykendall works hard not to let the sadness tarnish the warm memories she wants to cultivate for her family.
In Loving My Actual Christmas, Kuykendall admits from the very beginning that this round will be slightly different because she is not working within the luxury of an entire year. We are talking about a season. So she gets the ball rolling in November, jumping right into family gatherings and activities around Thanksgiving, Christmas right around the corner. After moving passed Christmas, the book closes out a few days past the New Year (January 2017, as she notes that she started writing this book during 2016 holiday season).
Though she may not have a full year to work through, to give herself some sense of structure to this experiment, Kuykendall plots out the time frame of the experiment using the window of Advent (the 4 weeks leading up to Christmas Day) as well as Christmastide (more commonly known as the Twelve Days of Christmas), carrying through to just after New Year's celebrations. This book has the same diary-like layout as Loving My Actual Life. From day one, Kuykendall makes entries for every day of every week, giving readers a rundown of what the day's activities looked like, what she hopes to accomplish with that day, what she comes away with (lesson-wise) at day's end, and what Scripture she used that day to ponder on as she worked through each day's schedule. The entries are divided by Advent week and for each week she gives herself an overall theme to focus on:
- Week 1 = HOPE
- Week 2 = LOVE
- Week 3 = JOY
- Week 4 = PEACE
- * and then a section that does an overview on her Christmastide experience
Each chapter closes on "Questions for Reflection", questions that help guide readers on their own journey of better appreciating the season. She also offers relevant scripture, so this book (as well as her previous experiment book) have potential to be used as devotional supplements. Kuykendall is quick to address that a lot of the issues / stressors she tackles in this book will likely come of as #firstworldproblems, but as she points out -- the experiments are called MY ACTUAL LIFE and MY ACTUAL CHRISTMAS... it might seem first world, but it is the life SHE is personally living, so we gotta let her do her thing.
What I love about these experiments of hers is that Kuykendall gives it to her readers honestly, warts and all. She fully admits to being human, starting with the best intentions and then getting in the moment and seriously wanting to throw in the towel instead. Immediately from Day 1 of her Christmas experiment she hits a wall. Not a good start, but a humorous and relatable one! She talks of facing the living room mantel, realizing she has to take down all the "harvest" decor to set up the Nativity scene... and she's honestly just not feelin' it, y'all! Who hasn't been there!
Also on this day she's hit with the first wave of holiday family travel plans (orchestrating all that) as well as trying to find time to sit down to do the obligatory Christmas cards. Those Christmas cards haunt her through many of the days, leading her to tell a story of when she just decided to NOT do cards one year, and guess what? There was a little guilt involved on her part, but no one died and no one disowned her. This spoke to my soul as it's exactly where I was last Christmas, and frankly I don't know that I'm feeling much for the cards this year, so it was nice to get a sense of camaraderie from that. Kuykendall encourages readers to still do cards, but do them for the right reason. Do it because you honestly love and miss these people and WANT to connect, don't just make it a chore to scratch off because you don't want things to get awkward later.
No big surprise, but one of Kuykendall's big takeaways from this project is that the best gift is really just giving someone time / attention / respect / love. If you love the act of bestowing physical gifts, just make sure that the gifts show you LISTEN TO THEM. Don't get caught up in getting what everyone else seems to be buying -- unless, I guess, your people have expressed that's truly what they want with all their hearts. But in general, it's nice to give gifts that give a nod to something said in passing that shows you were listening even when they thought you weren't! ;-)
Other main points:
* Decide on a holiday budget and STICK TO IT. Also, it might help to make an inventory of all expected costs for the season -- what you anticipate to spend on holiday meals, outings, travel, holiday clothing, etc. Factor that into the overall "holiday budget" at the beginning of the season and you probably won't have quite as much sticker shock come January.
* As Kuykendall's husband kept telling her throughout this process: "No bad-mouthing Christmas!" Your season might still have an element of stress no matter what you do but don't blame the season, just find your zen again and remember the real "reason for the season".
As I carried out the experiment, I was reminded that this holiday becomes a circus because we are operating out of our longings. We long for memories and fun and happiness. We long for meaning and purpose. We know it must be hidden somewhere among the decorations and the fuss. And when I stopped and paid attention, this is what stood out to me about why we do all of this Christmas making in the first place.
* Learn to say "no" sometimes and be okay with it. Much of the stress of the season comes from us allowing ourselves to be roped into doing every little thing to ensure everyone else has the perfect season. Once in awhile, stop and say no. And then go let yourself have some you time so YOU can enjoy the season.
At the back of the book, Kuykendall also offers supplemental guides such as "Practical Tips and Strategies" where she outlines just how exactly she pulled off this experiment and how you can try it yourself. Within the guides she also encourages readers to engage in some moments of contemplation: evaluate family holiday traditions, WHY you still do them and should you continue with them or are you merely doing it out of habit? (Think: are the kids too old for it? Are there enough people that still enjoy the tradition or are you just forcing them through?). She gives you a really handy guide on ways to be more economical during the season as well as a pep talk on the power of "no thank you".
She closes with the plea to readers that while they go through this process (should they choose to, that is), in all things always strive to continually be kind, gracious and compassionate.
Near the end of the experiment, Kuykendall points out that throughout this process it is important to keep in mind that you can't (or at the very least, shouldn't) gloss over the hurts and struggles of the year with a simple dusting of tinsel, a few rounds of carols and a nice mug of eggnog (if eggnog is your thing). Kuykendall advises readers to remember the Nativity story: all the struggles that were going on in that time in history, how so many people craved a positive change for peace... and what happened? A star suddenly appeared in the night sky shining a light so bright as to leave any observer awe-struck, so bright as to be able to guide three wise men to a random manger. A light in the darkness. The darkness doesn't go away for good, but having your heart in the right place helps keeps the hardships at bay. That's the idea here. Acknowledge the struggles but embrace the joy and grace found behind them. We will likely always be trying to fight off one evil or another in the world, but Kuykendall encourages you, when faced with dark times, to allow yourself to still be in awe of the marvels & beauties in the world, because if you keep yourself open enough, they will remind you that they are still out there. As she says, "This is a year to celebrate the good news within the context of our actual lives."
#3 Loving My Actual Neighbor: 7 Practices to Treasure the People Right in Front of You
★★☆☆☆
In this latest installment of her Loving My Actual ______ series, Kuykendall ponders on the question: In an increasingly socially isolating world, how does one go about showing love for one's neighbor. Her use of the word "neighbor", she clarifies, isn't limited to one's literal next door neighbor, but really anyone we come in close proximity to throughout the course of our lives.
The inspiration for this newest book came to Alexandra through her realization that she knew little to nothing of the woman living across the street from her for several years --- even though they had spoken briefly a number of times. Alexandra knew they had common ground between them, both being mothers of young children, but for the life of her, she could never remember her neighbor's name! Kuykendall compiles stories of not only her own journey to be a better neighbor, but also those of her friends and acquaintances who'd had a similar epiphany and also put themselves on a path toward change.
Considering all these accounts she gathers together, Kuykendall comes up with a seven step plan on how to better appreciate our fellow humans. Using biblical text, primarily pulling from 2 Peter, Kuykendall's system brings it all back to the basics of just being a good-hearted human being. She encourages readers to pursue strong, nurturing relationships with others on a foundation of humility, empathy, and, ideally, unconditional generosity. Each chapter closes on prompts for reflection: "Scripture to Digest" (relevant bible passage to think on); "Questions for Reflection"; "Practicing the Practice", which offers Pay It Forward type ideas to engage with others, making extra effort to speak to the lonely or isolated, etc; and "A Call To Saturday Living", a sort of meditative prayer focusing on how to best implement the themes of that chapter.
KUYKENDALL'S 7 STEP PLAN1. Holding a posture of humility2. Asking questions to learn3. Being quiet to listen4. Standing in the awkward5. Accepting what is6. Lightening up7. Giving freely
Once you have that foundation down, Kuykendall branches out into more specific suggestions of bonding with your neighbor:
* Re: Conversations: Use open-ended questions, followed by clarification questions to show you are truly listening to the speaker, as well as follow-up questions for a later meet-up, to show you've been thinking of them. She points out: you never know when you might be the one person who bothered to check in on them when they needed it most! She also reminds readers to be prepared for an honest response to your questions and be empathetic enough to hear the person out! Additionally, take non-verbal cues into consideration (body language, facial expressions) and consider the setting of the conversation. Is the subject matter something that requires privacy? Is the setting generally hospitable?
* Cultural Filters: When interacting with others, consider specifics of the situation that may make their reaction different from what you might expect. Are they in mourning? Otherwise suffered a trauma? Are there cultural differences to take into account --- something that seems fine to you but might be considered offensive to them?
* Disputes: how to best give or receive forgiveness
* Food / Humor: useful in diffusing difficult situations
* Teamwork: tips on how to successfully partner with neighbors on projects
At the end of the book, Kuykendall offers a supplement, several pages long, entitled "More Ways To Connect With Your Neighbor". Within are a few different segments: "Additional Ideas for Practicing the Practice", "10 Ways to Connect with Families Throughout the Year" "10 Ways to Love Your Homebound Neighbor", and "10 Reasons to Have a Block Party".
When taking all this information in, Kuykendall frequently reminds her readers, practice makes perfect. This is not meant to be a one and done process, but an entire reboot in one's social interaction, intended to be carried out (hopefully) for the rest of your days. One of the portions I found most helpful was questions to ask when checking your motives for doing something:
* Am I investing in the outcome or the process?
* Am I expecting something in return?
* What am I willing to give up in order to love my neighbors well?
* Would I do it anonymously?
* Will there be unintended consequences?
My honest response to this book, having read the previous two? This was my least favorite of the bunch. I got a lot out of the first two, and while there were still some good tips in this third one, and while I love that Kuykendall terms herself a "kitchen anthropologist", this third offering in the series had a few areas I found disturbingly problematic, given the theme of the work.
Yes, it has helpful pointers, but largely the message is one of common sense human decency. I don't know if she ran short on ideas and had to hit word count, but like many a self-help book out there, she establishes a few key points early on and then pretty much just repackages those ideas in numerous different ways throughout the following chapters.
Beyond the repetitive nature of the text, there was an underlying element to this book that just SCREAMED privilege and bias. She swears she's not a judgmental person, yet some of her actions involving those of a lower income bracket than her family would (at least in part) indicate otherwise. There's even a line where she says (verbatim),"I have relationships with people who live in poverty." Wow. Okay. Way to put yourself out there?
Then there's the weird and frequent focus on the race of her various neighbors, usually closing with a pat on the back for herself for interacting with a minority without making it too awkward. In fact, there's a healthy dose of quiet humble brag throughout the whole book. But at least she does acknowledge that she does see needing to consistently work on her prideful nature.
It's a worthwhile topic for discussion --- being better people to our fellow man --- and Kuykendall brings up fair suggestions.... but really, it's stuff we should know anyway, if we've been raised right. Sadly, now, my once happy opinion of her work has been somewhat tainted over the privileged, disconnected tone that came through this latest work.
EXTRAS
(Scroll down to bottom of page to see video)
*FTC Disclaimer: Baker Books kindly provided me with complimentary copies of these books in exchange for an honest review. The opinions above are entirely my own.
Bonus memoir: The Artist's Daughter
When Alexandra Kuykendall became a mother it was the beginning of a soul-searching journey that took her into her past and made her question everything she'd experienced--and a lot of what she hadn't. The only daughter of a single, world-traveling mother and an absent artist father, Alexandra shares her unique quest to answer universal questions: Am I lovable? Am I loved? Am I loving?
In short, moving episodes, Alexandra transports readers into a life that included a childhood in Europe, a spiritual conversion marked more by questions than answers, a courtship in the midst of a call to be with troubled teens, marriage and motherhood--and always, always, the question of identity. Through her personal journey, women will discover their own path to understanding the shape of their lives and a deeper sense of God's intimate presence within it.
In short, moving episodes, Alexandra transports readers into a life that included a childhood in Europe, a spiritual conversion marked more by questions than answers, a courtship in the midst of a call to be with troubled teens, marriage and motherhood--and always, always, the question of identity. Through her personal journey, women will discover their own path to understanding the shape of their lives and a deeper sense of God's intimate presence within it.
★★★☆☆
One summer day in Barcelona, just a week shy of her 9th birthday, author Alexandra Kuykendall met her biological father for the very first time. Prior to this meeting, Kuykendall's life / general living situation revolved around her mother's travels as an ESL teacher. When the opportunity came about to meet her father, Alexandra discovers she has a whole other family of half siblings. The reunion with the father not only stirs up pain and anger within Alexandra, but also brings forth deep insecurities she wasn't fully aware of before this moment.
Kuykendall recounts the years following that summer in Spain, the teenage and college experiences peppered by sporadic letters or phone calls from her dad, the occasional trips to visit him again. It's in college where she meets the man who will later become her husband, that relationship suffering some rocky moments due to Kuykendall's fear of abandonment.
When she enters her motherhood years, Alexandra feels compelled to finally try to make peace with the years of hurt brought about, for the most part by an absentee father. Following the birth of her first child, she battles with postpartum depression. As her kids get a little older, Kuykendall takes a leadership role with her local chapter of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) International.
After about the first hundred pages or so of this book, it becomes less about the troubled relationship between her and her father and more about her motherhood experiences & realizations in general, much of the focus being on her journey of trying to find balance between being there for her kids and finding professional work that fulfills her. In the closing chapters, the book does come back around to the topic of Alexandra and her dad.
At the back of the book, Kuykendall offers a ten page "Questions for Reflection" supplement, ideal for book groups looking for non-fiction titles to spark meaningful discussions. NOTE: Kuykendall is a Christian nonfiction writer, so these questions do have somewhat of a religious lean.
I read this after reading the first two in Kuykendall's "Loving My Actual ____" series. While I didn't find this quite as entertaining a read, I appreciated the backstory it gave me to some of the life references she makes in her other nonfiction work. If nothing else, it gave me a better understanding on the where some of her views on life might have originated.
Kuykendall recounts the years following that summer in Spain, the teenage and college experiences peppered by sporadic letters or phone calls from her dad, the occasional trips to visit him again. It's in college where she meets the man who will later become her husband, that relationship suffering some rocky moments due to Kuykendall's fear of abandonment.
When she enters her motherhood years, Alexandra feels compelled to finally try to make peace with the years of hurt brought about, for the most part by an absentee father. Following the birth of her first child, she battles with postpartum depression. As her kids get a little older, Kuykendall takes a leadership role with her local chapter of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) International.
After about the first hundred pages or so of this book, it becomes less about the troubled relationship between her and her father and more about her motherhood experiences & realizations in general, much of the focus being on her journey of trying to find balance between being there for her kids and finding professional work that fulfills her. In the closing chapters, the book does come back around to the topic of Alexandra and her dad.
At the back of the book, Kuykendall offers a ten page "Questions for Reflection" supplement, ideal for book groups looking for non-fiction titles to spark meaningful discussions. NOTE: Kuykendall is a Christian nonfiction writer, so these questions do have somewhat of a religious lean.
I read this after reading the first two in Kuykendall's "Loving My Actual ____" series. While I didn't find this quite as entertaining a read, I appreciated the backstory it gave me to some of the life references she makes in her other nonfiction work. If nothing else, it gave me a better understanding on the where some of her views on life might have originated.
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